"Only start articulating your viewpoint when the other person has nothing left to say. [...] Imagine the person you're speaking to has a goldfish bowl for a head"
-- Trenton Moss (Human Powered)
If we've tools for working through conflict, we're more likely to embrace it.
That's why I love this idea from Trenton Moss, as part of his P.L.E.A.S.E framework for resolving conflict.
Usually when conflict arises, most peoples' first instinct is to protect their worldview and perspective. They defend. They re-articulate. They highlight why their reasoning's more right and the others' is more wrong.
If the conflict's down to one side's mistaken logic, this may well work. If it's more fundamental, around core beliefs or principles, it's likely these tactics will only exacerbate things. Causing one side, or both, to dig their heels in (See: Why facts don't change our minds).
In professional environments, this often leads to a stale-mate where one side pulls rank, cites policies, or escalates to a higher-ranked decision maker. Sure, things move forward, but trust between colleagues diminishes and resentment begins to fester.
Plus... it's just lazy. People are definitely not above being recalcitrant arseholes sometimes, but often this conclusion is drawn too quickly.
Before it devolves this far, Trenton suggests we strive to find a win-win outcome that doesn't rely on one side being more right than the other.
He suggests we start by imagining peoples' heads like a goldfish bowl instead.
The water is all the worries, concerns, loyalties and personal past experiences they have, which are fuelling their alternative take. You can't fill a bowl that's already full of water. If you try to add your own perspectives, their bowl will just overflow. Creating a sloppy, escalating mess.
So you have to empty their head first.
- Ask questions.
- Listen intently. Not to counter, but to properly understand (not necessarily agree).
- Get them to elaborate on the stuff you don't like, or find fundamentally flawed or unimportant.
- All the while keep your own thoughts to yourself. And keep going until they've nothing left to say.
It's really hard to keep quiet when someone's saying things you disagree with. Do it anyway.
If you're listening properly, at some point you may feel your own initial opinions or perspectives changing. Or at least tempering. It's likely theirs has too.
When that time comes, the key to sharing your thoughts is to state the outcome you want, and try to find a win-win outcome together. Not retrace old arguments or try to undermine theirs. No matter how right you think you are.
This isn't about being correct anymore. It's about being effective.
Together, surface and answer questions like
- What's the big-picture outcome you both want?
- What common ground do you both share?
- How can each sides' concerns be addressed?
- What solutions for reaching the desired outcome can both suggest? Do not point out flaws in their reasoning. That's trying to be more correct again. Ask questions instead.
Often, a reframing or articulation of the desired outcome that impresses why you're both important in improving things is what displaces conflict for collaboration. Leading to surprising breakthroughs.
I'll admit, it sounds like a lot of effort. Especially when you believe in your bones the other person doesn't have a leg to stand on. Often though, showing the willingness to listen and expend effort searching for alternatives is all it takes to build bridges, while breaking down distrust.
Definitely worth a punt.